It's Been One Year Today

Dear Mom,

One year ago, today, you passed away. It was tragic and sudden. Nobody had time to prepare or say goodbye. The people who loved you and cared about you have been grieving and hurting for the past 365 days, 52 weeks, and 12 months. For me, sometimes the pain is so immense that I just want to crawl under the covers and never get out of bed. I want to turn the clock back to one year ago today and tell you to get in that car and to stay home. I want you back and I know that will not happen. I know it is selfish of me to want this because you are in Heaven with Him and not here suffering, but I still am. I have to face each day with out you and it hurts so much. But, my one saving thought, is that I know I will see you again someday.

Yesterday, the pain was re-lived and the feelings all came back. All of the family got together and gathered at your grave site. We brought beautiful flowers and everyone took their turns reminiscing about their favorite memories of you and what we missed. It was a gorgeous fall afternoon and I couldn't help but feel your spirit with us. After visiting at the cemetery, we all came back to my house and had dinner and drinks. It was a nice time. But it somehow was not quite right, with out you here. You were always the bedrock of this family, keeping the peace and the spirit.

Here are some of the pictures that were taken. I know you would have been so happy. One of your biggest wishes was that our family do more together, dinners, holidays, birthdays, that kind of thing. Well, mom, we did. In your memory and in your honor.

Today, in Wyoming, where the accident occurred, some of your friends from the hotel and some of the family are gathering in your honor as well. I couldn't bring myself to face that place again, so I hope you can forgive me for not being there. But I asked Randy to make sure that your friends in Lyman knew how much we appreciated them doing this and for remebering you in such a good way.

Words cannot express how much you are missed. I will never forget the mother that raised me, taught me to love, to forgive, to laugh, how to work hard and how to be independant. I only hope that I can be half the mother you were with my own children.

Love you always and forever

~Janda

Visiting Grandma Debbie...

Today, we visited Grandma's grave. I took Jade, Ashley and Megan with me. We bought some pretty purple flowers. The girls told Grandma Debbie how much they loved her and missed her. It was really sweet.

Here are some of the pictures I took of the girls. Jade had never been to visit Grandma's Debbie before, so it was kind of sweet to see her visit with Grandma Debbie and tell her how much she loved her. Even though she wasn't Jade's grandma in the true meaning of the word, my mom was just like a grandma to her. All of the kids who knew my mom, loved her and cherished her.

Ashley told me at point that she could hear Grandma's spirit talking to her. She said Grandma Debbie told her she loved her. This was really touching and made me tear up.

It's almost been a year since I lost my mom, and it's been a really hard year with out her. I can't believe that it's already been that long. I can't help but think if she were still here what we could be doing together: she could be helping me with my yard work (she loved it), helping the girls with their homework, playing Barbie's with the girls, babystting for me... being here and part of our lives. Even though she is not physically here, I know she up there in Heaven watching over us and smiling down on us.

Love you mom!

Full Circle

I received the following poem and picture from a friend. Someone, who like me, lost her Dad quite suddenly and tragically. She always seems to find the most heart-warming poems and photos. Thanks Whitey. You are such a good friend to me. :)

I wanted to share both the wonderful words and the picture.
It has almost been a year since my mom died. It has been a really tough year. It's been a really tragic year. I lost not only my mom, my grandma, but nearly lost someone else who means the world to me. You know who you are if you reading this, and I won't elaborate too much. I love you so much, please please please know that. I can't begin to know how much you are hurting. The road you have traveled has been rocky and tough. I know how much losing mom and grandma hurts, I feel it every minute of every day, but please know we are here for you and that you are not alone in this.

Love always, Janda

FULL CIRCLE

You walked through my world;

In this dance we call life,

Dancing with me in joy,

Dancing with me in strife.

You gave me the song,

And gave me the chance;

To learn about love,

When you taught me to dance.

It was not just the music,

Nor the steps that we made;

But is now in sweet memories,

That never will fade.

For love was your music,

And life was your song;

You taught me the dance,

And how to be strong.

You showed me what love was,

Even in your goodbye;

Now we've come full circle,

In this dance we call life.

So, dance with the angels,

And may you find rest;

Your song's in my heart,

And my life, fully blessed.

Oh, how it still hurts

This past week has been hard. Harder than I thought it'd be. I thought Mother's Day or her birthday would have been worse, but the 4th has been the worst for me. Anyone who knew my mom, knew that next to Christmas and Thanksgiving, the 4th of July was my mom's favorite holiday.

Pam, my aunt (my mom's sister) called me up the other day to tell me how out of sorts she felt without my mom at her annual 4th of July excursion to Granite High to watch the fireworks. In a previous post, I wrote how that was they both spent last year's 4th, and how odd it felt to think that just one measly year ago, she was still alive and with me.

Tonight, I was digging thru some boxes in our cluttered, unpacked and unfinished basement for a highlighter, and came across my mom's "box". It's the box of paper work, bills, insurance letters, pictures, funeral documents, etc... and an overwhelming feeling of grief, sadness and disbelief came over me. I find this feeling happening less and less as time goes on, but all the same, still happening. Unless you have ever lost someone close to you, you cannot imagine the feelings you go through. One day, you are doing alright, the next day, you really miss that person, but are still functioning reasonably well, the next day, or week, you are totally knocked out. The grief and dis-belief just knock the wind right out of you. The schock comes out of nowhere and POW, you are down.

Sometimes, I wonder, do the pain and sadness ever really go away? Do they really leave? Or just bury themselves so deep only to fester and explode later? I think I belive the latter of the two.

I don't know why I am rambling on and on, but it's one of those nights, I just need to talk and vent. Get things off my chest and feel a slight weight lifted. Nine long lonely months later, I still hurt and ache and cry and feel like she is not really gone, but only on a long vacation and she forgot to call. I still want more than anything to just pick up the phone and shoot the breeze with her.

I look at my eldest daughter, Ashley, and see my mom. They look a lot alike, when my mom was young. Cute, defiant, sassy and so full of life. This was the woman who gave birth to me, raised me, taught me to be proud and to work hard. I find so much of her in Ashley that it amazes me, just wish she could still be here to see how beautiful her grand-daughters are becoming.

The other night, my mother in law called and talked to the girls for a bit. After hanging up, Megan, our three year old, asked if she could call and talk to Grandma Debbie on the phone. Megan knows that Grandma is in Heaven and that she passed away, but does not understand the concept of death, as most kids don't. She just didn't understand why she could not talk to Grandma. It took me a bit to try and explain to her the whole thing again and it just breaks my heart. My girls loved and still love their Grandma so much. Sometimes, I just get so angry at God for taking her, especially when we still needed her here. But then, I have to think that she is truly better off where she is. That she is with God and Jesus know and does not have to hurt anymore.

Mom, I love you so much, and I cherished the time we did have you here; I am still hurting and angry that I lost you too soon. You are missed so much. I hope you know how much I loved you, how much we all loved you. Please mend my broken and aching heart and soul. I cannot put into words how much it hurts to not have you here anymore. I love you always and forever.

I guess I am done rambling for the time being. I am sure I will have more random rambling soon.

Happy 4th Mom!!

Today is the 4th of July. I am really struggling today. This is one of my mom's favorite holidays.

Pam, my aunt, was telling my sister and I about the 4th they celebrated together last year. It seems odd to think that a year ago, she was still alive. And it hurts so much. My eyes sting and burn just to think of it. Anyhow, Pam was saying that last year they had gone to fireworks at a park (can't recall where), but how much fun Mom had. The music they played along with the fireworks were some of her favorite songs. They played some Neil Diamond which my mom loved.

So to honor my mom this 4th of July, I want to wish everyone a happy 4th of July.

Pain

I wrote this poem tonight. I have been wanting to write something for my mom for a long time and finally did. I still have days that I don't believe the car accident happened, that she wasn't killed. I still expect to wake up and have her be here and everything back to normal.

My girls tell me daily how much they miss their Grandma. I think that is the hardest part. I did get to have my mom for 30 or so wonderful years. They didn't even get 10. I look around the house and see so much that my mom has either given them, or inpsired me. It is so sad that they are not going to know their "Grandma Debbie" the way I did. I will be sure that that they know what a wonderful, giving, loving and feisty woman she was.

Her memory will live on in my hearts and theirs.

The pain of losing you is surreal
I look around and think I should be able to feel
Your warmth, your laugh, your hug so strong
But I don’t, they are all gone

Not having you here has been hell
I never knew how much the pain could burn and swell
One day I think I am fine and on the mend
And the next day my tears don’t seem to end

Remembering your laugh, your smile and your heart
Have been part of what is healing my soul, the broken up part
I have been so lost without my mom
I look at the world around me and still can’t believe you are gone

People keep on living
The world keeps on turning
The birds fly, little babies cry
The world just continues on as if you never died

Without you the world is a lonely place for me and I grieve
Without the unconditional love only a mother can give
I feel a part of my heart and soul have been taken away
The only part of me that is left is healing little; day by day

I never thought you would die
I never thought I wouldn’t get to say good-bye
I hope you knew how much I loved you
I hope you know how much your grand-daughters miss you too

I know you are in a better place
You are with Jesus and are safe
You don’t hurt, you don’t cry
You don’t have to deal with the daily grind

You are at peace finally
And I miss you more every day, truly
The pain in my soul will never cease
Will never be fully released

But I know that someday soon
We are going to be together again
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you and hate that you are gone
But I know you and healed and are no longer alone

Mommy, I miss you so much and most nights can’t sleep
Please bless over your lost sheep
Keep us in your heart and close to you
So someday soon, we can come home too

~ The Untitled Poem ~

A friend of mine emailed me this poem. It says a lot about how I feel about life in general. I thought I would post in on the blog for everyone to read and share. Thanks Whitey for sending it to me. :)

Untitled Poem

I have seen a mother at a crib - so I know what love is;

I have looked into the eyes of a child - so I know what faith is;

I have seen a rainbow - So I know what beauty is;

I have felt the pounding of the sea - so I know what power is;

I have planted a tree - so I know what hope is;

I have heard a wild bird sing - so I know what freedom is;

I have seen a chrysalis burst into life - so I know what mystery is;

I have lost a friend - so I know what sorrow is;

I have seen a star-decked sky - so I know what infinity is;

I have seen and felt all these things - so I know what life is.

~ Anonymous

Debra Denise Godfrey and Betty Louise Quigley

Megan and Ashley with their pinwheels at Grandma's gravesite

Rest in Peace

Well, it's officially in, the headstone made its way to the grave this weekend. Just in time for Memorial Day. After almost being put on the wrong grave and missing in action for a week or two...

The girls and I took some flowers and a pinwheel to the grave today. My mom loved pinwheels.

The stone is beautiful. Crystal - if you are reading this, you did a really good job with it. Thanks sis! My mom also loved the color pink, we thought a pretty pink stone would do the job.

The inscriptions also look really good. We wanted to be sure that even though Grandma didn't get buried, that she had a final resting place and somewhere to be was remembered as well. And we thought since these two wonderful and feisty ladies were inseperable and always together in life, that it only seemed fitting in the afterlife.

It seems like only yesterday that we lost Mom and Grandma. But it feels like an eternity has already passed. I called my aunt Pam to let her know it had finally arrived, and she said it best, "now they can finallly rest." And I think I can too.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today would have been my mom's 52nd birthday. It is still surreal to me that she is gone. Last year on this day, I would have called her up and told her Happy Birthday. I would have gotten her some kind of cute gift and home made card.

Instead, this year, I took flowers to her grave with my sister and brother in-law and my kids. And there is no grave marker, just this sad little orange cone.

It has become my daily ritual to drive past the cemetary to see if the grave marker is there yet. They told it was going to be sometime this week. Crystal and I were joking the other day, that Mom is up in heaven laughing over this. She probably laughed so hard she either farted or snorted. That was her trade mark. She'd be saying to my grandma, "Look, Mom. My grave marker is an orange cone." Even in death, mom would have found the funny side of something.

Well, I know I am posting some of the same pictures of her over and over again. But for the time being, they are all I have scanned in the computer. We are in the process of moving to a new home and most of my stuff is packed up.

So, here is a photo taken a few years ago at my cousin Amber's wedding. It is a really good one of her. She loooked happy, healthy and really cute.

Mom, where ever you are tonight, I wish you a happy 52nd birthday. I love you and miss you more than I can begin to say.

The Temporary Grave Marker ~

So, this is NOT the official grave marker, but it's a start. I was telling a friend of mine about what I saw at the cemetary this past weekend. We chuckled about it. My mom's grave marker, I told her, consists of spray paint and an orange traffic cone.

We have been told by the funeral home that once the cemetary has marked out the grave, that the real thing is not far off.

So, it is coming.

I will keep the blog updated.

My new favorite song

I have the song "Storm" by Lifehouse on my family blog and I really listened to the words tonight for the first time. They speak volumes as to how I am feeling these days. I will add the song to Mom's playlist soon.

Storm by Lifehouse

how long have I been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you everything will be alright
if I'd see you the storminess will turn to light a
nd I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under
and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you everything will be alright
if I see you the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and I will walk on water you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright everything's alright

I love you Kassie Jo...

When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure.

So I got a special treat tonight, Kassie Jo, my beloved sweet precious cousin (who is more of a sister that a cousin) suprised me, but first a little back ground.

Kassie and Jesse got married in October of 2007. My mom was not able to make the wedding and had left a voicemail for her on my aunt Pam's boyfriend's phone. She more or less just said she was really sorry she couldn't come because of some family drama that was on - going and that she would get Kassie and Jesse a wedding gift on her next pay check. Well, that never happened. Mom, never got to get them that gift or get her next paychek.

I don't know the exact date that this message was left, but it was it was not too long before the car accident that took my mom's life.

Well, I got to hear that message just a few minutes ago. Bless Kassie Jo's heart, and now I am a bawling again, but in a good way. I just wanted to hear her voice again. It is so unfair, I feel like I can just pick up the phone and call her up, just like I always did. She sounded so alive and like old her cranky - sweet self in that message.

God, wherever that sweet lady is tonight, if you can tell her how much I still miss her, even 5 months later. I don't think the pain and heartache will ever go away. People say it gets better and easier with time, but I disagree. The more time goes on, the more I miss her and am mad that she is gone and not here with me. I know with my all my heart that she is in a better place but it does not take away from the heart-ache and pain I am suffering.

So, thanks again Kass. I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that life is short and treat every single precious moment of life, like it is, short and sweet.

It's a beautiful spring day

So, today is a totally beautiful spring day. It's the kind of day my mom would have loved to have been outside. She loved yard work - and any kind. I remember as a kid, hating to do yardwork, and not just a little bit, but really and absolutely hating it. Not mom, she loved gardening, pulling weeds, being in the dirt and mud, planting flowers and working on making her yard look perfect.

I don't hate yard work so much anymore, I find that I love the smells of fresh cut grass, the sounds of lawnmowers in the neighboring yards, the freshness of the spring air. I love to plant flowers in May and watching them bloom and grow thru spring and summer. And I know exactly where I got that. Mom.

She instilled so much in me as a kid and I am only now beginning to see it. I love to create - whether it be cooking, crafts, making jewelery, scrapbooking, gardening. . . These are all things that she loved. I never in my life have known a more hard working woman. She worked harder than some men I know. Mom always had some type of job, not the 9 - 5 type job that I know,. She had her own hair salon, she ran a day care, she ran her own house cleaning business, and was a full time mom.

Through watching her work ethic in life, I have learned a great deal. I feel like I give my most in my job, in my family as a mother and wife and in my everyday life. And I have her to thank for her it all.

Just my ramblings...

Hi Momma ~

I wish I had some new photos to add, or something really profound to say, but I don't. I just have my sorrowful memories and again that nagging dis - belief that you are really and honestly gone.

What would have been your 52nd birthday is fast approaching and instead of sending you a home made card from the girls and their latest and greatest picture this year, I will be visiting your grave - site and bringing flowers. I won't get to call you a day late and say, dammit, I missed the big day. What fun things did you do?

It still hurts so much to face the fact and realization that you are truly gone from this earth. I cannot believe that it has almost been six months since we lost you.

Life is a funny thing, a cruel joke sometimes. It gives us the most wonderful and important people, then takes them away. I was not ready to lose you, nor was anyone else. Yet while you were here, I took you for granted. Thinking that I would never have to face the day that you would be gone, that you would be gone from my life forever.

I am most mad because your grand - daughters did not get to know what a wonderful grandmother you were. I will make sure to tell them all of the wonderful memories and stories, but it's not the same as knowing first hand.

It's late and I am bawling (as usual) as I write this message. I want to end this by again telling the world how much I miss your sweet laughter over the phone, you complaining about Grandma's latest encounter with her bull - whip and the town crazy. I cannot wait for the day that we are re-united. I miss you both so much, I can't stand it.

I look at these two beautiful girls that Dan and I have been blessed with and I can't imagine a day in my life with out them. My family is what keeps me strong and keeps me going, and I learned this from you. Mom. You taught me to never give up, to fight for what I believe in, and how to love. I love you and miss you soooo much. Please bless over this broken heart of mine and watch over us this night.

Love you always and forever, Janda...

Angels Together Forever...

I scrapped this page tonight to honor the memory of both my beloved mother and grandmother. It is also posted on my grandma's page. I found it kind of fitting that these two ladies were always together in life, and they are finally together in the after - life, and at peace.

I am so sad that they are both gone, but so happy that they are at least together. Grandma was so broken - hearted after my mom passed away, I think that is much of caused her decline, so quickly. I know that her heart was broken.

So, now they are together forever, fighting, laughing, and loving eachother and watching out for their beloved children, grandchildren, and the rest of this crazy family.

~Love you both~

The headstone is ordered

The headstone for my mom's grave has been ordered. We were able to make a dedication to Grandma on it as well, since she was not buried. We thought it only fitting that these two feisty women be remembered in death together, as well as in life. It should be about 5 - 6 weeks until it's done. I will have photos of the marker posted once it is done.

It has been a trying past week or so. Grandma's funeral went really nice, but I am glad it's over. I know that they are finally together again and probably arguing over who got more attention, who got more flowers, who service cost more. This how Debbie and Betty were. Bless their hearts.

I still cannot believe they are both gone. It hurts to think about it and is hard to pull up these blogs daily and read the memories and see the pictures, but it's like I keep saying, it's good therapy.

While planning Grandma's service, this picture of my mom, Randy and Grandma was located. It was taken a few years ago at a cousin's wedding. I didn't even know that this picture existed until not too long ago. I cannot believe how vibrant and happy they both looked. These are the types of pictures I like to remember.

Love you both and miss you.

I have been working on updating Mom's blog a little bit. I have been learning how to use Adobe Photoelements 6.0 with the help of a really good friend, who just also happens to be really good at digital scrapbooking and got me into this blogging business.

Here is one of the first pages I have done with one of my favorite photos of Mom. I think this was taken either in 1995, maybe 1996. I am not sure, but I love it. It is one of the best photos I think she had.

So, the past few days have been crazy. Between the Easter holiday, kids and hamily fome with our friends, I have hardly been able to dwell on the events of the past few days. This is a good thing since that that is all I was doing.

Mom's 52nd birthday (or what would have been) is fast approaching and I want to do something special in her honor, but am not sure what. I may put together an album and make one for each of us kids and some of the other family.

We have also got her grave marker ordered and I will be posting pic's of that soon. Thanks to Crystal for taking care of that.

Mom and Grandma - know that I love you and miss you and not a day goes by that I don't miss you both like crazy.

In Loving Memory

They are together forever, finally

Grandma Betty passed away on March 13, 2008. She is finally at peace and finally with mom. She took my mom's passing so hard, we all did, but Grandma took it especially hard. My mom worked for the Little America Hotel in Wyoming as a janitor. Grandma took her jacket everywher with her, to the hospital, to Pam's, everywhere. She would not let it out of her sight.

Well, they are finally together again and probably fighting. which is only right.

I cannot begin to put into words how much I miss the both of you. The two most important women in my life are now gone. As I sit hear crying and missing them both more than I can stand, I find some solace in the fact that you are together again.

Grandma would say after my mom died, that Debbie was not dead, but now truly alive. There are times that I remember this and try to keep this in mind. Times like now, when I hurt so much inside, that I could cry for the rest of my life. Times that I cannot believe that God took both of them from me. Sometimes I almost forget that mom is gone, which is crazy, I know. It's like she has been out of town for five months and just forgot to call me. I never knew I could miss someone so much.

Since Grandma has died, all of the old emotions of my mom's death have been re-newed. All of the pain and suffering I have dealt with, are back. All of the emotions that I thought I had dealt with are born again. I know I will get thru this, but it will take time, lots and lots of time. And how much, I don't know.

Grandma and Mom - where ever you are right now, please watch over me and the rest of the family that are mourning your losses tonight and every night. Please mend my broken heart and help me to stay strong. Some days I wish I could have gone right along with you, but I could not. I am here to raise my family and my daughters that need me, but don't forget that I need you too. I am so broken in half right now, that I need all of the strength I can get. I miss you both soooo much. It hurts so much that you are both gone. I love you both and miss you more than even I can stand. Stay with me and keep me strong.

Janda

Recently I found some more pictures and wanted to share them. One of them is really old but also has my Grandma Betty in it. She is dying of terminal cancer and is only expected to live another week or two. It is the hardest thing to see, watching one of the most vibrant and feisty women I have ever known, become this half - alive person.

My one saving grace is knowing that my mom is on the other side of Heaven's gates watching and waiting for her. She won't be in this world suffering with the pain and hardships anymore. She will be free, like her daughter.

This blog is dedicated to anyone who has ever lost a loved one, whoever it may be. I have lost (and am losing) two of the most loving, wonderful and caring women in my life. It is hard and horrible, but I know I will see them both again someday, not soon enough, but someday.

Grandma and Mom, please save me a spot until my time comes.

~Janda~

I Found Some More Photos

Just checking in...

So I have not checked in lately and wanted to post a little something. I am taking a digital scrapbooking class next month with a friend and will be learning to use Adobe Photoshop. I will hopefull have some new items to be posting once I learn all of this business, but in the meantime have posted one of my "attempts." This picture was taken of my daughter, Megan just the other day. My mom just adored her grandchildren. One of the reasons I am learning this is to honor her memory in photos.

A very dear friend emailed me the following quote tonight. I cannot put into words how much these endearing words hit home. This particular quote came from a person's blog who had lost a family member to an infection:

We do not realize how important we are to others around us. We may be their rock and not even know it. We may be the only Jesus some people will ever know. I am hanging on with God's help and the help of those God has sent to help me. You hang on too.

~Love Nita~

Grandma and her babies

This was a picture I found the other day. It was taken about 5 years ago with my nephew, Alex. He was probably only 2 in this picture. My mom loved her grandkids more than anything. This picture was taken in Lyman, WY about Christmas time.

Mom always tried to find time to be with the grandkids. In fact, we just celebrated my oldest daughter, Ashley's birthday this past weekend and it was heart breaking not to have her there. In the past, she would drive down from Wyoming to Utah to be present at the party.

My girls are really struggling with the loss of their beloved "Grandma Debbie". They talk all the time about her and love to reminisce about their time spent with her.

Mom - I hope you know how much you were really loved, not only by your children, but by your grandchildren as well. We miss you.

A good reponse

It's been a long week and I wanted to write a little bit more. So far, the response has been good on the blog. I am working to find more photos and getting them uploaded. I found this one that is similar to another picture on this page.

The reponses that I have had have both been really uplifting. So I feel like this is a good thing. I know for me it is. I have really had a hard time with my mom's loss and am trying to find any outlet for the grief.

I still cannot believe that she is gone and it's going on four months now. We are working on getting a headstone for mom's grave at the Clinton City Cemetery and hope to have this in by spring when the snow melts.

Some days I feel like I am going to wake up from a really horrible dream and will realize that this has been the longest nightmare of my life. I know that isn't the case.

So, Mom, where ever you are tonight, keep us all in your sights and work your healing magic. I love you and miss you every day.

This picture was taken in April 2007 in Idaho at my brother's wedding (now divorced). This was one of the last times we were all together as a family and I can recall how proud my mom was that her little boy was getting married.

Miss you more than words can say

This blog is dedicated to my mother, Debra Denise Godfrey. My mom passed away October 19, 2007 in a car accident, just outside of Lyman, WY. She was only 52 years old. Mom had three children, five grandchildren and many other family members who loved her dearly, including five brothers and sisters. She also cared for my grandmother, Betty Sheville.

This page is a place for those of us who are still in mourning (like myself) to go and be with her, if only in cyberspace. I want to share this with anyone who needs a quiet place to reminisce and grieve.

The worst day of my life began with a phone call on a beautiful autumn afternoon, Friday, October 19th. Kassie, my cousin, was on the other end of the phone. She had to to tell me the horrible news, that my beloved mother, had been instantly killed in a car accident. I thought (and hoped) for one horrible second that she was joking. I of course, knew she wasn't. I hung up and left work immediatetly and headed straight to my aunt Pam's house. This is where the reality started to sink in. All of the family started to gather and the tears started to flow. I remember talking to one of the responding police officers on the phone this day. I was in shock and was asking the officer if he was sure, sure that she had indeed died. He was sure.

My mom was one of the most kind and loving people I ever knew Also among the most beautiful. She had her share of hardships over the past many years, but she over came many of her demons. This fact alone, made her an inspiration not only to me but to many others. My mom also took great care of others around her. At Thanksgiving, she would cook several dinners to take to her surrounding friends and neighbors in Wyoming and would also cook one for herself and the rest of the family. She always found time to take care of the less fortunate and the down and out.

Just today, my aunt, sister and I were joking that we can imagine my mom up in Heaven finding the less fortunate angels, maybe one with a broken wing or one without a halo. She would find some way to make up for this angel's mis-fortune and would mend it.

My dear, sweet Grandma Betty is dying and is in her final days. I imagine that once she passes to the other side, my mom is going to be there waiting for her with open arms. She will have so much to say and will tell her all about Heaven and Jesus. She will tell her all about the broken souls she has been gathering and mending.

Momma - I pray that you can work to help mend all of our broken souls down here on Earth. It is one lonely and sad place without you. I pray that you watch over us. I want to pick up the phone more than anything and here you say, "Janda, I got a scoop," but I know I can't. One of the only things that keeps me going, is knowing that someday soon I will see you again.

Without you here among us, we are all broken hearted and in need of your watchful eye. We all love you and miss you more than words can even begin to say.