Oh, how it still hurts

This past week has been hard. Harder than I thought it'd be. I thought Mother's Day or her birthday would have been worse, but the 4th has been the worst for me. Anyone who knew my mom, knew that next to Christmas and Thanksgiving, the 4th of July was my mom's favorite holiday.

Pam, my aunt (my mom's sister) called me up the other day to tell me how out of sorts she felt without my mom at her annual 4th of July excursion to Granite High to watch the fireworks. In a previous post, I wrote how that was they both spent last year's 4th, and how odd it felt to think that just one measly year ago, she was still alive and with me.

Tonight, I was digging thru some boxes in our cluttered, unpacked and unfinished basement for a highlighter, and came across my mom's "box". It's the box of paper work, bills, insurance letters, pictures, funeral documents, etc... and an overwhelming feeling of grief, sadness and disbelief came over me. I find this feeling happening less and less as time goes on, but all the same, still happening. Unless you have ever lost someone close to you, you cannot imagine the feelings you go through. One day, you are doing alright, the next day, you really miss that person, but are still functioning reasonably well, the next day, or week, you are totally knocked out. The grief and dis-belief just knock the wind right out of you. The schock comes out of nowhere and POW, you are down.

Sometimes, I wonder, do the pain and sadness ever really go away? Do they really leave? Or just bury themselves so deep only to fester and explode later? I think I belive the latter of the two.

I don't know why I am rambling on and on, but it's one of those nights, I just need to talk and vent. Get things off my chest and feel a slight weight lifted. Nine long lonely months later, I still hurt and ache and cry and feel like she is not really gone, but only on a long vacation and she forgot to call. I still want more than anything to just pick up the phone and shoot the breeze with her.

I look at my eldest daughter, Ashley, and see my mom. They look a lot alike, when my mom was young. Cute, defiant, sassy and so full of life. This was the woman who gave birth to me, raised me, taught me to be proud and to work hard. I find so much of her in Ashley that it amazes me, just wish she could still be here to see how beautiful her grand-daughters are becoming.

The other night, my mother in law called and talked to the girls for a bit. After hanging up, Megan, our three year old, asked if she could call and talk to Grandma Debbie on the phone. Megan knows that Grandma is in Heaven and that she passed away, but does not understand the concept of death, as most kids don't. She just didn't understand why she could not talk to Grandma. It took me a bit to try and explain to her the whole thing again and it just breaks my heart. My girls loved and still love their Grandma so much. Sometimes, I just get so angry at God for taking her, especially when we still needed her here. But then, I have to think that she is truly better off where she is. That she is with God and Jesus know and does not have to hurt anymore.

Mom, I love you so much, and I cherished the time we did have you here; I am still hurting and angry that I lost you too soon. You are missed so much. I hope you know how much I loved you, how much we all loved you. Please mend my broken and aching heart and soul. I cannot put into words how much it hurts to not have you here anymore. I love you always and forever.

I guess I am done rambling for the time being. I am sure I will have more random rambling soon.