The Temporary Grave Marker ~

So, this is NOT the official grave marker, but it's a start. I was telling a friend of mine about what I saw at the cemetary this past weekend. We chuckled about it. My mom's grave marker, I told her, consists of spray paint and an orange traffic cone.

We have been told by the funeral home that once the cemetary has marked out the grave, that the real thing is not far off.

So, it is coming.

I will keep the blog updated.

My new favorite song

I have the song "Storm" by Lifehouse on my family blog and I really listened to the words tonight for the first time. They speak volumes as to how I am feeling these days. I will add the song to Mom's playlist soon.

Storm by Lifehouse

how long have I been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you everything will be alright
if I'd see you the storminess will turn to light a
nd I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under
and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you everything will be alright
if I see you the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and I will walk on water you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright everything's alright

I love you Kassie Jo...

When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure.

So I got a special treat tonight, Kassie Jo, my beloved sweet precious cousin (who is more of a sister that a cousin) suprised me, but first a little back ground.

Kassie and Jesse got married in October of 2007. My mom was not able to make the wedding and had left a voicemail for her on my aunt Pam's boyfriend's phone. She more or less just said she was really sorry she couldn't come because of some family drama that was on - going and that she would get Kassie and Jesse a wedding gift on her next pay check. Well, that never happened. Mom, never got to get them that gift or get her next paychek.

I don't know the exact date that this message was left, but it was it was not too long before the car accident that took my mom's life.

Well, I got to hear that message just a few minutes ago. Bless Kassie Jo's heart, and now I am a bawling again, but in a good way. I just wanted to hear her voice again. It is so unfair, I feel like I can just pick up the phone and call her up, just like I always did. She sounded so alive and like old her cranky - sweet self in that message.

God, wherever that sweet lady is tonight, if you can tell her how much I still miss her, even 5 months later. I don't think the pain and heartache will ever go away. People say it gets better and easier with time, but I disagree. The more time goes on, the more I miss her and am mad that she is gone and not here with me. I know with my all my heart that she is in a better place but it does not take away from the heart-ache and pain I am suffering.

So, thanks again Kass. I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that life is short and treat every single precious moment of life, like it is, short and sweet.

It's a beautiful spring day

So, today is a totally beautiful spring day. It's the kind of day my mom would have loved to have been outside. She loved yard work - and any kind. I remember as a kid, hating to do yardwork, and not just a little bit, but really and absolutely hating it. Not mom, she loved gardening, pulling weeds, being in the dirt and mud, planting flowers and working on making her yard look perfect.

I don't hate yard work so much anymore, I find that I love the smells of fresh cut grass, the sounds of lawnmowers in the neighboring yards, the freshness of the spring air. I love to plant flowers in May and watching them bloom and grow thru spring and summer. And I know exactly where I got that. Mom.

She instilled so much in me as a kid and I am only now beginning to see it. I love to create - whether it be cooking, crafts, making jewelery, scrapbooking, gardening. . . These are all things that she loved. I never in my life have known a more hard working woman. She worked harder than some men I know. Mom always had some type of job, not the 9 - 5 type job that I know,. She had her own hair salon, she ran a day care, she ran her own house cleaning business, and was a full time mom.

Through watching her work ethic in life, I have learned a great deal. I feel like I give my most in my job, in my family as a mother and wife and in my everyday life. And I have her to thank for her it all.

Just my ramblings...

Hi Momma ~

I wish I had some new photos to add, or something really profound to say, but I don't. I just have my sorrowful memories and again that nagging dis - belief that you are really and honestly gone.

What would have been your 52nd birthday is fast approaching and instead of sending you a home made card from the girls and their latest and greatest picture this year, I will be visiting your grave - site and bringing flowers. I won't get to call you a day late and say, dammit, I missed the big day. What fun things did you do?

It still hurts so much to face the fact and realization that you are truly gone from this earth. I cannot believe that it has almost been six months since we lost you.

Life is a funny thing, a cruel joke sometimes. It gives us the most wonderful and important people, then takes them away. I was not ready to lose you, nor was anyone else. Yet while you were here, I took you for granted. Thinking that I would never have to face the day that you would be gone, that you would be gone from my life forever.

I am most mad because your grand - daughters did not get to know what a wonderful grandmother you were. I will make sure to tell them all of the wonderful memories and stories, but it's not the same as knowing first hand.

It's late and I am bawling (as usual) as I write this message. I want to end this by again telling the world how much I miss your sweet laughter over the phone, you complaining about Grandma's latest encounter with her bull - whip and the town crazy. I cannot wait for the day that we are re-united. I miss you both so much, I can't stand it.

I look at these two beautiful girls that Dan and I have been blessed with and I can't imagine a day in my life with out them. My family is what keeps me strong and keeps me going, and I learned this from you. Mom. You taught me to never give up, to fight for what I believe in, and how to love. I love you and miss you soooo much. Please bless over this broken heart of mine and watch over us this night.

Love you always and forever, Janda...