It's Been One Year Today

Dear Mom,

One year ago, today, you passed away. It was tragic and sudden. Nobody had time to prepare or say goodbye. The people who loved you and cared about you have been grieving and hurting for the past 365 days, 52 weeks, and 12 months. For me, sometimes the pain is so immense that I just want to crawl under the covers and never get out of bed. I want to turn the clock back to one year ago today and tell you to get in that car and to stay home. I want you back and I know that will not happen. I know it is selfish of me to want this because you are in Heaven with Him and not here suffering, but I still am. I have to face each day with out you and it hurts so much. But, my one saving thought, is that I know I will see you again someday.

Yesterday, the pain was re-lived and the feelings all came back. All of the family got together and gathered at your grave site. We brought beautiful flowers and everyone took their turns reminiscing about their favorite memories of you and what we missed. It was a gorgeous fall afternoon and I couldn't help but feel your spirit with us. After visiting at the cemetery, we all came back to my house and had dinner and drinks. It was a nice time. But it somehow was not quite right, with out you here. You were always the bedrock of this family, keeping the peace and the spirit.

Here are some of the pictures that were taken. I know you would have been so happy. One of your biggest wishes was that our family do more together, dinners, holidays, birthdays, that kind of thing. Well, mom, we did. In your memory and in your honor.

Today, in Wyoming, where the accident occurred, some of your friends from the hotel and some of the family are gathering in your honor as well. I couldn't bring myself to face that place again, so I hope you can forgive me for not being there. But I asked Randy to make sure that your friends in Lyman knew how much we appreciated them doing this and for remebering you in such a good way.

Words cannot express how much you are missed. I will never forget the mother that raised me, taught me to love, to forgive, to laugh, how to work hard and how to be independant. I only hope that I can be half the mother you were with my own children.

Love you always and forever

~Janda

Visiting Grandma Debbie...

Today, we visited Grandma's grave. I took Jade, Ashley and Megan with me. We bought some pretty purple flowers. The girls told Grandma Debbie how much they loved her and missed her. It was really sweet.

Here are some of the pictures I took of the girls. Jade had never been to visit Grandma's Debbie before, so it was kind of sweet to see her visit with Grandma Debbie and tell her how much she loved her. Even though she wasn't Jade's grandma in the true meaning of the word, my mom was just like a grandma to her. All of the kids who knew my mom, loved her and cherished her.

Ashley told me at point that she could hear Grandma's spirit talking to her. She said Grandma Debbie told her she loved her. This was really touching and made me tear up.

It's almost been a year since I lost my mom, and it's been a really hard year with out her. I can't believe that it's already been that long. I can't help but think if she were still here what we could be doing together: she could be helping me with my yard work (she loved it), helping the girls with their homework, playing Barbie's with the girls, babystting for me... being here and part of our lives. Even though she is not physically here, I know she up there in Heaven watching over us and smiling down on us.

Love you mom!

Full Circle

I received the following poem and picture from a friend. Someone, who like me, lost her Dad quite suddenly and tragically. She always seems to find the most heart-warming poems and photos. Thanks Whitey. You are such a good friend to me. :)

I wanted to share both the wonderful words and the picture.
It has almost been a year since my mom died. It has been a really tough year. It's been a really tragic year. I lost not only my mom, my grandma, but nearly lost someone else who means the world to me. You know who you are if you reading this, and I won't elaborate too much. I love you so much, please please please know that. I can't begin to know how much you are hurting. The road you have traveled has been rocky and tough. I know how much losing mom and grandma hurts, I feel it every minute of every day, but please know we are here for you and that you are not alone in this.

Love always, Janda

FULL CIRCLE

You walked through my world;

In this dance we call life,

Dancing with me in joy,

Dancing with me in strife.

You gave me the song,

And gave me the chance;

To learn about love,

When you taught me to dance.

It was not just the music,

Nor the steps that we made;

But is now in sweet memories,

That never will fade.

For love was your music,

And life was your song;

You taught me the dance,

And how to be strong.

You showed me what love was,

Even in your goodbye;

Now we've come full circle,

In this dance we call life.

So, dance with the angels,

And may you find rest;

Your song's in my heart,

And my life, fully blessed.

Oh, how it still hurts

This past week has been hard. Harder than I thought it'd be. I thought Mother's Day or her birthday would have been worse, but the 4th has been the worst for me. Anyone who knew my mom, knew that next to Christmas and Thanksgiving, the 4th of July was my mom's favorite holiday.

Pam, my aunt (my mom's sister) called me up the other day to tell me how out of sorts she felt without my mom at her annual 4th of July excursion to Granite High to watch the fireworks. In a previous post, I wrote how that was they both spent last year's 4th, and how odd it felt to think that just one measly year ago, she was still alive and with me.

Tonight, I was digging thru some boxes in our cluttered, unpacked and unfinished basement for a highlighter, and came across my mom's "box". It's the box of paper work, bills, insurance letters, pictures, funeral documents, etc... and an overwhelming feeling of grief, sadness and disbelief came over me. I find this feeling happening less and less as time goes on, but all the same, still happening. Unless you have ever lost someone close to you, you cannot imagine the feelings you go through. One day, you are doing alright, the next day, you really miss that person, but are still functioning reasonably well, the next day, or week, you are totally knocked out. The grief and dis-belief just knock the wind right out of you. The schock comes out of nowhere and POW, you are down.

Sometimes, I wonder, do the pain and sadness ever really go away? Do they really leave? Or just bury themselves so deep only to fester and explode later? I think I belive the latter of the two.

I don't know why I am rambling on and on, but it's one of those nights, I just need to talk and vent. Get things off my chest and feel a slight weight lifted. Nine long lonely months later, I still hurt and ache and cry and feel like she is not really gone, but only on a long vacation and she forgot to call. I still want more than anything to just pick up the phone and shoot the breeze with her.

I look at my eldest daughter, Ashley, and see my mom. They look a lot alike, when my mom was young. Cute, defiant, sassy and so full of life. This was the woman who gave birth to me, raised me, taught me to be proud and to work hard. I find so much of her in Ashley that it amazes me, just wish she could still be here to see how beautiful her grand-daughters are becoming.

The other night, my mother in law called and talked to the girls for a bit. After hanging up, Megan, our three year old, asked if she could call and talk to Grandma Debbie on the phone. Megan knows that Grandma is in Heaven and that she passed away, but does not understand the concept of death, as most kids don't. She just didn't understand why she could not talk to Grandma. It took me a bit to try and explain to her the whole thing again and it just breaks my heart. My girls loved and still love their Grandma so much. Sometimes, I just get so angry at God for taking her, especially when we still needed her here. But then, I have to think that she is truly better off where she is. That she is with God and Jesus know and does not have to hurt anymore.

Mom, I love you so much, and I cherished the time we did have you here; I am still hurting and angry that I lost you too soon. You are missed so much. I hope you know how much I loved you, how much we all loved you. Please mend my broken and aching heart and soul. I cannot put into words how much it hurts to not have you here anymore. I love you always and forever.

I guess I am done rambling for the time being. I am sure I will have more random rambling soon.

Happy 4th Mom!!

Today is the 4th of July. I am really struggling today. This is one of my mom's favorite holidays.

Pam, my aunt, was telling my sister and I about the 4th they celebrated together last year. It seems odd to think that a year ago, she was still alive. And it hurts so much. My eyes sting and burn just to think of it. Anyhow, Pam was saying that last year they had gone to fireworks at a park (can't recall where), but how much fun Mom had. The music they played along with the fireworks were some of her favorite songs. They played some Neil Diamond which my mom loved.

So to honor my mom this 4th of July, I want to wish everyone a happy 4th of July.

Pain

I wrote this poem tonight. I have been wanting to write something for my mom for a long time and finally did. I still have days that I don't believe the car accident happened, that she wasn't killed. I still expect to wake up and have her be here and everything back to normal.

My girls tell me daily how much they miss their Grandma. I think that is the hardest part. I did get to have my mom for 30 or so wonderful years. They didn't even get 10. I look around the house and see so much that my mom has either given them, or inpsired me. It is so sad that they are not going to know their "Grandma Debbie" the way I did. I will be sure that that they know what a wonderful, giving, loving and feisty woman she was.

Her memory will live on in my hearts and theirs.

The pain of losing you is surreal
I look around and think I should be able to feel
Your warmth, your laugh, your hug so strong
But I don’t, they are all gone

Not having you here has been hell
I never knew how much the pain could burn and swell
One day I think I am fine and on the mend
And the next day my tears don’t seem to end

Remembering your laugh, your smile and your heart
Have been part of what is healing my soul, the broken up part
I have been so lost without my mom
I look at the world around me and still can’t believe you are gone

People keep on living
The world keeps on turning
The birds fly, little babies cry
The world just continues on as if you never died

Without you the world is a lonely place for me and I grieve
Without the unconditional love only a mother can give
I feel a part of my heart and soul have been taken away
The only part of me that is left is healing little; day by day

I never thought you would die
I never thought I wouldn’t get to say good-bye
I hope you knew how much I loved you
I hope you know how much your grand-daughters miss you too

I know you are in a better place
You are with Jesus and are safe
You don’t hurt, you don’t cry
You don’t have to deal with the daily grind

You are at peace finally
And I miss you more every day, truly
The pain in my soul will never cease
Will never be fully released

But I know that someday soon
We are going to be together again
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you and hate that you are gone
But I know you and healed and are no longer alone

Mommy, I miss you so much and most nights can’t sleep
Please bless over your lost sheep
Keep us in your heart and close to you
So someday soon, we can come home too

~ The Untitled Poem ~

A friend of mine emailed me this poem. It says a lot about how I feel about life in general. I thought I would post in on the blog for everyone to read and share. Thanks Whitey for sending it to me. :)

Untitled Poem

I have seen a mother at a crib - so I know what love is;

I have looked into the eyes of a child - so I know what faith is;

I have seen a rainbow - So I know what beauty is;

I have felt the pounding of the sea - so I know what power is;

I have planted a tree - so I know what hope is;

I have heard a wild bird sing - so I know what freedom is;

I have seen a chrysalis burst into life - so I know what mystery is;

I have lost a friend - so I know what sorrow is;

I have seen a star-decked sky - so I know what infinity is;

I have seen and felt all these things - so I know what life is.

~ Anonymous