Pain

I wrote this poem tonight. I have been wanting to write something for my mom for a long time and finally did. I still have days that I don't believe the car accident happened, that she wasn't killed. I still expect to wake up and have her be here and everything back to normal.

My girls tell me daily how much they miss their Grandma. I think that is the hardest part. I did get to have my mom for 30 or so wonderful years. They didn't even get 10. I look around the house and see so much that my mom has either given them, or inpsired me. It is so sad that they are not going to know their "Grandma Debbie" the way I did. I will be sure that that they know what a wonderful, giving, loving and feisty woman she was.

Her memory will live on in my hearts and theirs.

The pain of losing you is surreal
I look around and think I should be able to feel
Your warmth, your laugh, your hug so strong
But I don’t, they are all gone

Not having you here has been hell
I never knew how much the pain could burn and swell
One day I think I am fine and on the mend
And the next day my tears don’t seem to end

Remembering your laugh, your smile and your heart
Have been part of what is healing my soul, the broken up part
I have been so lost without my mom
I look at the world around me and still can’t believe you are gone

People keep on living
The world keeps on turning
The birds fly, little babies cry
The world just continues on as if you never died

Without you the world is a lonely place for me and I grieve
Without the unconditional love only a mother can give
I feel a part of my heart and soul have been taken away
The only part of me that is left is healing little; day by day

I never thought you would die
I never thought I wouldn’t get to say good-bye
I hope you knew how much I loved you
I hope you know how much your grand-daughters miss you too

I know you are in a better place
You are with Jesus and are safe
You don’t hurt, you don’t cry
You don’t have to deal with the daily grind

You are at peace finally
And I miss you more every day, truly
The pain in my soul will never cease
Will never be fully released

But I know that someday soon
We are going to be together again
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you and hate that you are gone
But I know you and healed and are no longer alone

Mommy, I miss you so much and most nights can’t sleep
Please bless over your lost sheep
Keep us in your heart and close to you
So someday soon, we can come home too

~ The Untitled Poem ~

A friend of mine emailed me this poem. It says a lot about how I feel about life in general. I thought I would post in on the blog for everyone to read and share. Thanks Whitey for sending it to me. :)

Untitled Poem

I have seen a mother at a crib - so I know what love is;

I have looked into the eyes of a child - so I know what faith is;

I have seen a rainbow - So I know what beauty is;

I have felt the pounding of the sea - so I know what power is;

I have planted a tree - so I know what hope is;

I have heard a wild bird sing - so I know what freedom is;

I have seen a chrysalis burst into life - so I know what mystery is;

I have lost a friend - so I know what sorrow is;

I have seen a star-decked sky - so I know what infinity is;

I have seen and felt all these things - so I know what life is.

~ Anonymous

Debra Denise Godfrey and Betty Louise Quigley

Megan and Ashley with their pinwheels at Grandma's gravesite

Rest in Peace

Well, it's officially in, the headstone made its way to the grave this weekend. Just in time for Memorial Day. After almost being put on the wrong grave and missing in action for a week or two...

The girls and I took some flowers and a pinwheel to the grave today. My mom loved pinwheels.

The stone is beautiful. Crystal - if you are reading this, you did a really good job with it. Thanks sis! My mom also loved the color pink, we thought a pretty pink stone would do the job.

The inscriptions also look really good. We wanted to be sure that even though Grandma didn't get buried, that she had a final resting place and somewhere to be was remembered as well. And we thought since these two wonderful and feisty ladies were inseperable and always together in life, that it only seemed fitting in the afterlife.

It seems like only yesterday that we lost Mom and Grandma. But it feels like an eternity has already passed. I called my aunt Pam to let her know it had finally arrived, and she said it best, "now they can finallly rest." And I think I can too.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today would have been my mom's 52nd birthday. It is still surreal to me that she is gone. Last year on this day, I would have called her up and told her Happy Birthday. I would have gotten her some kind of cute gift and home made card.

Instead, this year, I took flowers to her grave with my sister and brother in-law and my kids. And there is no grave marker, just this sad little orange cone.

It has become my daily ritual to drive past the cemetary to see if the grave marker is there yet. They told it was going to be sometime this week. Crystal and I were joking the other day, that Mom is up in heaven laughing over this. She probably laughed so hard she either farted or snorted. That was her trade mark. She'd be saying to my grandma, "Look, Mom. My grave marker is an orange cone." Even in death, mom would have found the funny side of something.

Well, I know I am posting some of the same pictures of her over and over again. But for the time being, they are all I have scanned in the computer. We are in the process of moving to a new home and most of my stuff is packed up.

So, here is a photo taken a few years ago at my cousin Amber's wedding. It is a really good one of her. She loooked happy, healthy and really cute.

Mom, where ever you are tonight, I wish you a happy 52nd birthday. I love you and miss you more than I can begin to say.

The Temporary Grave Marker ~

So, this is NOT the official grave marker, but it's a start. I was telling a friend of mine about what I saw at the cemetary this past weekend. We chuckled about it. My mom's grave marker, I told her, consists of spray paint and an orange traffic cone.

We have been told by the funeral home that once the cemetary has marked out the grave, that the real thing is not far off.

So, it is coming.

I will keep the blog updated.

My new favorite song

I have the song "Storm" by Lifehouse on my family blog and I really listened to the words tonight for the first time. They speak volumes as to how I am feeling these days. I will add the song to Mom's playlist soon.

Storm by Lifehouse

how long have I been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you everything will be alright
if I'd see you the storminess will turn to light a
nd I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under
and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you everything will be alright
if I see you the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and I will walk on water you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright everything's alright

I love you Kassie Jo...

When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure.

So I got a special treat tonight, Kassie Jo, my beloved sweet precious cousin (who is more of a sister that a cousin) suprised me, but first a little back ground.

Kassie and Jesse got married in October of 2007. My mom was not able to make the wedding and had left a voicemail for her on my aunt Pam's boyfriend's phone. She more or less just said she was really sorry she couldn't come because of some family drama that was on - going and that she would get Kassie and Jesse a wedding gift on her next pay check. Well, that never happened. Mom, never got to get them that gift or get her next paychek.

I don't know the exact date that this message was left, but it was it was not too long before the car accident that took my mom's life.

Well, I got to hear that message just a few minutes ago. Bless Kassie Jo's heart, and now I am a bawling again, but in a good way. I just wanted to hear her voice again. It is so unfair, I feel like I can just pick up the phone and call her up, just like I always did. She sounded so alive and like old her cranky - sweet self in that message.

God, wherever that sweet lady is tonight, if you can tell her how much I still miss her, even 5 months later. I don't think the pain and heartache will ever go away. People say it gets better and easier with time, but I disagree. The more time goes on, the more I miss her and am mad that she is gone and not here with me. I know with my all my heart that she is in a better place but it does not take away from the heart-ache and pain I am suffering.

So, thanks again Kass. I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that life is short and treat every single precious moment of life, like it is, short and sweet.