Two years ago today...

Miss Me, But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that was once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take,
and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the master’s plan,
a step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart,
go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds.
Miss me,but let me go.

- Author Unknown

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there,
I do not sleep
I am a 1,000 winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled light
I am the soft star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die.

-Mary Fry

Just about 2 years...

If tomorrow starts without me
and I'm not there to see;
if the sun should rise
and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

but when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came down and called my name,
and took me by the hand,

and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned and walked away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
t seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

***************************************************************************

As I was browsing the obituaries (a really bad habit), I came across this poem. In just a few weeks, my mom will have been gone from this earth for 2 years. I am so thankful for the 51 years that I did get to have her here in my life, but still so sad for the many years I didn't get to share with her.

I know with the utmost certainty that she is in a much better place, but it still hurts to not have here with me. I miss you Mom every day, every minute. I have somehow by the grace of God made it this far, and I know I will continue on. If there is anything that you taught me it was to be a strong, independant woman. I love you so much and miss you.

Your daughter, Janda

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day Momma! The 2nd Mother's Day with out you here has come and gone, and it feels just horrible. It's not right. The girls and me took you flowers yesterday, along with Crystal. It felt so odd, not having you here with us. Ashley prayed to you at the cemetery yesterday and both of my babies told me how much they missed you. I miss you too. So much. I can't put it in words, but I hope you and Jesus know how much I love you and miss you. I would give anything to hear your voice again, to hug you and tell you how much I love and miss you. I know someday I will see you again on the other side. But until then, Happy Mother's Day. Love you and miss you soooo much. Janda and the babies.

Happy 27th Birthday Shaun!

Happy 27th Shaun! I know that wherever you are this weekend momma, that you are wishing your baby boy a Happy 27th birthday on Monday. We had a little get - together this past weekend for him and he came to town. We had dinner, cake and ice - cream.

I know that Shaun misses you and loves you and we all wish so much that you could have been here today. God knows, how much you are missed here with your family and friends.

Missing my Mom

Friday, January 30, 2009

Missing Mom
I am in one of those moods tonight, so bear with me. I miss my mom. It's a fact. Nothing has changed since 10/19/2007 at 1:30 p.m. when I received that ominous call. She is gone, I know. Dead, passed away, in Heaven, however you prefer to word it. Nothing changes the fact that my mom is gone and not coming back.In a lot of ways, I feel I have done some healing. But, other times, I feel like I haven't healed at all. I have a few pictures of her around the house. There are times that I walk by them and don't bat an eyelash. Other times, I catch her smile out of the corner of my eye and start tearing up.I am making oatmeal chocolate cookies tonight. Yes, at 10:00 p.m. but hell, it's a Friday night. :)And a favorite memory occurs to me. As a young and up and coming cook at the age of 14 or so, I would make cookies. But, my favorite trick bugged the piss out of my mom. I would make the entire batch of cookie dough, and cook ONE batch of cookies, just enough to satisy my sweet tooth. I would then, roll the rest of the un-cooked dough, into some plast wrap and put into the freezer. This drove my mom NUTS! She couldn't stand to find a buch of cookie dough balled up the freezer. This memory makes me laugh to myself, but makes me really sad too.It is one of those sad moments that makes me realize just how much I really do miss her. One of those moments, that I realize that my daughters are not going to be able to laugh at this memory with my mom and I. I hate that she is gone, I am still so mad about it. I just want her here. I still don't know why she was taken. 52 is not old. It wasn't her time yet... They say that there are stages to grieving. I do not pretend to know the steps, the order, the psychology or whatever. I just know that I am still hurting, over a year later. The pain is still here and still fresh.Small things remind me of her. I have a lilac scented candle that I love to burn in the spring. One of her favorite plants (flowers) was a lilac. She loved Fleetwood Mac, Neil Diamond, the 4th of July, Christmas, Thanksgiving... she loved her grandkids, she loved her children, still had a place in her heart for my dad, even though they were long divorced. Everything and anything reminds me of her. And it hurts, and it makes me sad... And it makes me so glad for the memories that keep her alive in my heart.Momma - I know you are up in Heaven with Him, I know you are in a better place. I know you are whole again, I know you are happy, I know you are not in pain or grieving. I love you so much and miss you more than I even put into words. I know that someday I will see you again and that is one of the things that keeps me going in this really hard time. Please know that you are missed here. And loved. And missed even more.Love you always. Janda.

Catching your smile. . .

"I'll catch your smile on someone's face
Your whisper in the wind's embrace
Through diamond stars and songs and dreams
I find your love in everything
The sun, the sky, the rolling sea
All conspire to comfort me
From sorrow's edge life's beauty seems
To find your love in everything
I've come to trust the hope it brings
To find your love in everything
Even as I fall apart,
Even through my shattered heart
I'll catch your smile on someone's face.....amazing grace."
~Beth Nielsen Chapman

It's Been One Year Today

Dear Mom,

One year ago, today, you passed away. It was tragic and sudden. Nobody had time to prepare or say goodbye. The people who loved you and cared about you have been grieving and hurting for the past 365 days, 52 weeks, and 12 months. For me, sometimes the pain is so immense that I just want to crawl under the covers and never get out of bed. I want to turn the clock back to one year ago today and tell you to get in that car and to stay home. I want you back and I know that will not happen. I know it is selfish of me to want this because you are in Heaven with Him and not here suffering, but I still am. I have to face each day with out you and it hurts so much. But, my one saving thought, is that I know I will see you again someday.

Yesterday, the pain was re-lived and the feelings all came back. All of the family got together and gathered at your grave site. We brought beautiful flowers and everyone took their turns reminiscing about their favorite memories of you and what we missed. It was a gorgeous fall afternoon and I couldn't help but feel your spirit with us. After visiting at the cemetery, we all came back to my house and had dinner and drinks. It was a nice time. But it somehow was not quite right, with out you here. You were always the bedrock of this family, keeping the peace and the spirit.

Here are some of the pictures that were taken. I know you would have been so happy. One of your biggest wishes was that our family do more together, dinners, holidays, birthdays, that kind of thing. Well, mom, we did. In your memory and in your honor.

Today, in Wyoming, where the accident occurred, some of your friends from the hotel and some of the family are gathering in your honor as well. I couldn't bring myself to face that place again, so I hope you can forgive me for not being there. But I asked Randy to make sure that your friends in Lyman knew how much we appreciated them doing this and for remebering you in such a good way.

Words cannot express how much you are missed. I will never forget the mother that raised me, taught me to love, to forgive, to laugh, how to work hard and how to be independant. I only hope that I can be half the mother you were with my own children.

Love you always and forever

~Janda