Missing my Mom

Friday, January 30, 2009

Missing Mom
I am in one of those moods tonight, so bear with me. I miss my mom. It's a fact. Nothing has changed since 10/19/2007 at 1:30 p.m. when I received that ominous call. She is gone, I know. Dead, passed away, in Heaven, however you prefer to word it. Nothing changes the fact that my mom is gone and not coming back.In a lot of ways, I feel I have done some healing. But, other times, I feel like I haven't healed at all. I have a few pictures of her around the house. There are times that I walk by them and don't bat an eyelash. Other times, I catch her smile out of the corner of my eye and start tearing up.I am making oatmeal chocolate cookies tonight. Yes, at 10:00 p.m. but hell, it's a Friday night. :)And a favorite memory occurs to me. As a young and up and coming cook at the age of 14 or so, I would make cookies. But, my favorite trick bugged the piss out of my mom. I would make the entire batch of cookie dough, and cook ONE batch of cookies, just enough to satisy my sweet tooth. I would then, roll the rest of the un-cooked dough, into some plast wrap and put into the freezer. This drove my mom NUTS! She couldn't stand to find a buch of cookie dough balled up the freezer. This memory makes me laugh to myself, but makes me really sad too.It is one of those sad moments that makes me realize just how much I really do miss her. One of those moments, that I realize that my daughters are not going to be able to laugh at this memory with my mom and I. I hate that she is gone, I am still so mad about it. I just want her here. I still don't know why she was taken. 52 is not old. It wasn't her time yet... They say that there are stages to grieving. I do not pretend to know the steps, the order, the psychology or whatever. I just know that I am still hurting, over a year later. The pain is still here and still fresh.Small things remind me of her. I have a lilac scented candle that I love to burn in the spring. One of her favorite plants (flowers) was a lilac. She loved Fleetwood Mac, Neil Diamond, the 4th of July, Christmas, Thanksgiving... she loved her grandkids, she loved her children, still had a place in her heart for my dad, even though they were long divorced. Everything and anything reminds me of her. And it hurts, and it makes me sad... And it makes me so glad for the memories that keep her alive in my heart.Momma - I know you are up in Heaven with Him, I know you are in a better place. I know you are whole again, I know you are happy, I know you are not in pain or grieving. I love you so much and miss you more than I even put into words. I know that someday I will see you again and that is one of the things that keeps me going in this really hard time. Please know that you are missed here. And loved. And missed even more.Love you always. Janda.

Catching your smile. . .

"I'll catch your smile on someone's face
Your whisper in the wind's embrace
Through diamond stars and songs and dreams
I find your love in everything
The sun, the sky, the rolling sea
All conspire to comfort me
From sorrow's edge life's beauty seems
To find your love in everything
I've come to trust the hope it brings
To find your love in everything
Even as I fall apart,
Even through my shattered heart
I'll catch your smile on someone's face.....amazing grace."
~Beth Nielsen Chapman

It's Been One Year Today

Dear Mom,

One year ago, today, you passed away. It was tragic and sudden. Nobody had time to prepare or say goodbye. The people who loved you and cared about you have been grieving and hurting for the past 365 days, 52 weeks, and 12 months. For me, sometimes the pain is so immense that I just want to crawl under the covers and never get out of bed. I want to turn the clock back to one year ago today and tell you to get in that car and to stay home. I want you back and I know that will not happen. I know it is selfish of me to want this because you are in Heaven with Him and not here suffering, but I still am. I have to face each day with out you and it hurts so much. But, my one saving thought, is that I know I will see you again someday.

Yesterday, the pain was re-lived and the feelings all came back. All of the family got together and gathered at your grave site. We brought beautiful flowers and everyone took their turns reminiscing about their favorite memories of you and what we missed. It was a gorgeous fall afternoon and I couldn't help but feel your spirit with us. After visiting at the cemetery, we all came back to my house and had dinner and drinks. It was a nice time. But it somehow was not quite right, with out you here. You were always the bedrock of this family, keeping the peace and the spirit.

Here are some of the pictures that were taken. I know you would have been so happy. One of your biggest wishes was that our family do more together, dinners, holidays, birthdays, that kind of thing. Well, mom, we did. In your memory and in your honor.

Today, in Wyoming, where the accident occurred, some of your friends from the hotel and some of the family are gathering in your honor as well. I couldn't bring myself to face that place again, so I hope you can forgive me for not being there. But I asked Randy to make sure that your friends in Lyman knew how much we appreciated them doing this and for remebering you in such a good way.

Words cannot express how much you are missed. I will never forget the mother that raised me, taught me to love, to forgive, to laugh, how to work hard and how to be independant. I only hope that I can be half the mother you were with my own children.

Love you always and forever

~Janda

Visiting Grandma Debbie...

Today, we visited Grandma's grave. I took Jade, Ashley and Megan with me. We bought some pretty purple flowers. The girls told Grandma Debbie how much they loved her and missed her. It was really sweet.

Here are some of the pictures I took of the girls. Jade had never been to visit Grandma's Debbie before, so it was kind of sweet to see her visit with Grandma Debbie and tell her how much she loved her. Even though she wasn't Jade's grandma in the true meaning of the word, my mom was just like a grandma to her. All of the kids who knew my mom, loved her and cherished her.

Ashley told me at point that she could hear Grandma's spirit talking to her. She said Grandma Debbie told her she loved her. This was really touching and made me tear up.

It's almost been a year since I lost my mom, and it's been a really hard year with out her. I can't believe that it's already been that long. I can't help but think if she were still here what we could be doing together: she could be helping me with my yard work (she loved it), helping the girls with their homework, playing Barbie's with the girls, babystting for me... being here and part of our lives. Even though she is not physically here, I know she up there in Heaven watching over us and smiling down on us.

Love you mom!

Full Circle

I received the following poem and picture from a friend. Someone, who like me, lost her Dad quite suddenly and tragically. She always seems to find the most heart-warming poems and photos. Thanks Whitey. You are such a good friend to me. :)

I wanted to share both the wonderful words and the picture.
It has almost been a year since my mom died. It has been a really tough year. It's been a really tragic year. I lost not only my mom, my grandma, but nearly lost someone else who means the world to me. You know who you are if you reading this, and I won't elaborate too much. I love you so much, please please please know that. I can't begin to know how much you are hurting. The road you have traveled has been rocky and tough. I know how much losing mom and grandma hurts, I feel it every minute of every day, but please know we are here for you and that you are not alone in this.

Love always, Janda

FULL CIRCLE

You walked through my world;

In this dance we call life,

Dancing with me in joy,

Dancing with me in strife.

You gave me the song,

And gave me the chance;

To learn about love,

When you taught me to dance.

It was not just the music,

Nor the steps that we made;

But is now in sweet memories,

That never will fade.

For love was your music,

And life was your song;

You taught me the dance,

And how to be strong.

You showed me what love was,

Even in your goodbye;

Now we've come full circle,

In this dance we call life.

So, dance with the angels,

And may you find rest;

Your song's in my heart,

And my life, fully blessed.

Oh, how it still hurts

This past week has been hard. Harder than I thought it'd be. I thought Mother's Day or her birthday would have been worse, but the 4th has been the worst for me. Anyone who knew my mom, knew that next to Christmas and Thanksgiving, the 4th of July was my mom's favorite holiday.

Pam, my aunt (my mom's sister) called me up the other day to tell me how out of sorts she felt without my mom at her annual 4th of July excursion to Granite High to watch the fireworks. In a previous post, I wrote how that was they both spent last year's 4th, and how odd it felt to think that just one measly year ago, she was still alive and with me.

Tonight, I was digging thru some boxes in our cluttered, unpacked and unfinished basement for a highlighter, and came across my mom's "box". It's the box of paper work, bills, insurance letters, pictures, funeral documents, etc... and an overwhelming feeling of grief, sadness and disbelief came over me. I find this feeling happening less and less as time goes on, but all the same, still happening. Unless you have ever lost someone close to you, you cannot imagine the feelings you go through. One day, you are doing alright, the next day, you really miss that person, but are still functioning reasonably well, the next day, or week, you are totally knocked out. The grief and dis-belief just knock the wind right out of you. The schock comes out of nowhere and POW, you are down.

Sometimes, I wonder, do the pain and sadness ever really go away? Do they really leave? Or just bury themselves so deep only to fester and explode later? I think I belive the latter of the two.

I don't know why I am rambling on and on, but it's one of those nights, I just need to talk and vent. Get things off my chest and feel a slight weight lifted. Nine long lonely months later, I still hurt and ache and cry and feel like she is not really gone, but only on a long vacation and she forgot to call. I still want more than anything to just pick up the phone and shoot the breeze with her.

I look at my eldest daughter, Ashley, and see my mom. They look a lot alike, when my mom was young. Cute, defiant, sassy and so full of life. This was the woman who gave birth to me, raised me, taught me to be proud and to work hard. I find so much of her in Ashley that it amazes me, just wish she could still be here to see how beautiful her grand-daughters are becoming.

The other night, my mother in law called and talked to the girls for a bit. After hanging up, Megan, our three year old, asked if she could call and talk to Grandma Debbie on the phone. Megan knows that Grandma is in Heaven and that she passed away, but does not understand the concept of death, as most kids don't. She just didn't understand why she could not talk to Grandma. It took me a bit to try and explain to her the whole thing again and it just breaks my heart. My girls loved and still love their Grandma so much. Sometimes, I just get so angry at God for taking her, especially when we still needed her here. But then, I have to think that she is truly better off where she is. That she is with God and Jesus know and does not have to hurt anymore.

Mom, I love you so much, and I cherished the time we did have you here; I am still hurting and angry that I lost you too soon. You are missed so much. I hope you know how much I loved you, how much we all loved you. Please mend my broken and aching heart and soul. I cannot put into words how much it hurts to not have you here anymore. I love you always and forever.

I guess I am done rambling for the time being. I am sure I will have more random rambling soon.

Happy 4th Mom!!

Today is the 4th of July. I am really struggling today. This is one of my mom's favorite holidays.

Pam, my aunt, was telling my sister and I about the 4th they celebrated together last year. It seems odd to think that a year ago, she was still alive. And it hurts so much. My eyes sting and burn just to think of it. Anyhow, Pam was saying that last year they had gone to fireworks at a park (can't recall where), but how much fun Mom had. The music they played along with the fireworks were some of her favorite songs. They played some Neil Diamond which my mom loved.

So to honor my mom this 4th of July, I want to wish everyone a happy 4th of July.