Three

Three

Three years ago today

Your life was tragically taken away

I lost my mom, my confidante, my best friend

Leaving me lost, alone; frightened

Three years ago today

My soul is still losing its way

My heart aches and is broken

For all the words we left unspoken

Three years ago today

I didn’t know you wouldn’t be able to be able to stay

That my world as I once I knew it

Would be forever ruined

Three years ago today

I wish that I would have called you to say

Mom, I love you

Please don’t ever go

Today, it’s been three years

And through all the sadness and tears

I feel that I can say

I miss you today as much as I did three years ago, today

I know that where ever you are

That you have healed and carry no more scars

You are watching down from above

Over all that you love

You are with our King

Laughing and smiling

Saving me a place

So someday soon, we will be together again

Merry Christmas 2009

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas Eve 2009 and I am missing my mom (and MY family) like crazy. I must be in mourning... I want to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas. Please cherish your loved ones, this is coming from someone who knows all too well how much that is meant... I lost my mom just over 2 years ago. I would love to hear her voice again tonight.

The holidays are the hardest for me. And it hasn't seemed to get any easier (yet) and I am not sure if it ever will. Let your loved ones know how much they mean to you, even if you havent't in a long time. I haven't talked to my own dad for months and I called him up tonight and told him I loved and missed him. THIS WAS NOT AN EASY THING FOR ME. My dad and I have had our differences thru the years and have had a rough relationship, but I don't want to be like someone else who I know.

Someeone very close to me lost someone. This person hadn't talked to this person or shared their feelings for sometime... and to this day it has been a really hard for this person... Okay, I am rambling. But, what I am trying to convey is not to take for granted what you have. Family is the most IMPORTANT thing in this world, at least to me, and you ought to let your loved ones know how much you love them and how MUCH they mean to you.

Mom and Grandma Betty - wherever you two are tonight, please please please KNOW how much I miss and love you both. It has been the hardest two years of my life not having you two here the past few years. My girls both love you and miss you. They won't and probably don't remember much... but I will be sure to share the legacy and love for you both.

Merry Christmas to Everyone out there. Please share your love with those whom mean the most to you. You never know when the people who mean the MOST to you will be lost, believe me... 10/19/2007 will forever be in my heart and mind...

Two years ago today...

Miss Me, But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that was once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take,
and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the master’s plan,
a step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart,
go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds.
Miss me,but let me go.

- Author Unknown

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there,
I do not sleep
I am a 1,000 winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled light
I am the soft star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die.

-Mary Fry

Just about 2 years...

If tomorrow starts without me
and I'm not there to see;
if the sun should rise
and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

but when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came down and called my name,
and took me by the hand,

and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned and walked away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
t seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

***************************************************************************

As I was browsing the obituaries (a really bad habit), I came across this poem. In just a few weeks, my mom will have been gone from this earth for 2 years. I am so thankful for the 51 years that I did get to have her here in my life, but still so sad for the many years I didn't get to share with her.

I know with the utmost certainty that she is in a much better place, but it still hurts to not have here with me. I miss you Mom every day, every minute. I have somehow by the grace of God made it this far, and I know I will continue on. If there is anything that you taught me it was to be a strong, independant woman. I love you so much and miss you.

Your daughter, Janda

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day Momma! The 2nd Mother's Day with out you here has come and gone, and it feels just horrible. It's not right. The girls and me took you flowers yesterday, along with Crystal. It felt so odd, not having you here with us. Ashley prayed to you at the cemetery yesterday and both of my babies told me how much they missed you. I miss you too. So much. I can't put it in words, but I hope you and Jesus know how much I love you and miss you. I would give anything to hear your voice again, to hug you and tell you how much I love and miss you. I know someday I will see you again on the other side. But until then, Happy Mother's Day. Love you and miss you soooo much. Janda and the babies.

Happy 27th Birthday Shaun!

Happy 27th Shaun! I know that wherever you are this weekend momma, that you are wishing your baby boy a Happy 27th birthday on Monday. We had a little get - together this past weekend for him and he came to town. We had dinner, cake and ice - cream.

I know that Shaun misses you and loves you and we all wish so much that you could have been here today. God knows, how much you are missed here with your family and friends.

Missing my Mom

Friday, January 30, 2009

Missing Mom
I am in one of those moods tonight, so bear with me. I miss my mom. It's a fact. Nothing has changed since 10/19/2007 at 1:30 p.m. when I received that ominous call. She is gone, I know. Dead, passed away, in Heaven, however you prefer to word it. Nothing changes the fact that my mom is gone and not coming back.In a lot of ways, I feel I have done some healing. But, other times, I feel like I haven't healed at all. I have a few pictures of her around the house. There are times that I walk by them and don't bat an eyelash. Other times, I catch her smile out of the corner of my eye and start tearing up.I am making oatmeal chocolate cookies tonight. Yes, at 10:00 p.m. but hell, it's a Friday night. :)And a favorite memory occurs to me. As a young and up and coming cook at the age of 14 or so, I would make cookies. But, my favorite trick bugged the piss out of my mom. I would make the entire batch of cookie dough, and cook ONE batch of cookies, just enough to satisy my sweet tooth. I would then, roll the rest of the un-cooked dough, into some plast wrap and put into the freezer. This drove my mom NUTS! She couldn't stand to find a buch of cookie dough balled up the freezer. This memory makes me laugh to myself, but makes me really sad too.It is one of those sad moments that makes me realize just how much I really do miss her. One of those moments, that I realize that my daughters are not going to be able to laugh at this memory with my mom and I. I hate that she is gone, I am still so mad about it. I just want her here. I still don't know why she was taken. 52 is not old. It wasn't her time yet... They say that there are stages to grieving. I do not pretend to know the steps, the order, the psychology or whatever. I just know that I am still hurting, over a year later. The pain is still here and still fresh.Small things remind me of her. I have a lilac scented candle that I love to burn in the spring. One of her favorite plants (flowers) was a lilac. She loved Fleetwood Mac, Neil Diamond, the 4th of July, Christmas, Thanksgiving... she loved her grandkids, she loved her children, still had a place in her heart for my dad, even though they were long divorced. Everything and anything reminds me of her. And it hurts, and it makes me sad... And it makes me so glad for the memories that keep her alive in my heart.Momma - I know you are up in Heaven with Him, I know you are in a better place. I know you are whole again, I know you are happy, I know you are not in pain or grieving. I love you so much and miss you more than I even put into words. I know that someday I will see you again and that is one of the things that keeps me going in this really hard time. Please know that you are missed here. And loved. And missed even more.Love you always. Janda.

Catching your smile. . .

"I'll catch your smile on someone's face
Your whisper in the wind's embrace
Through diamond stars and songs and dreams
I find your love in everything
The sun, the sky, the rolling sea
All conspire to comfort me
From sorrow's edge life's beauty seems
To find your love in everything
I've come to trust the hope it brings
To find your love in everything
Even as I fall apart,
Even through my shattered heart
I'll catch your smile on someone's face.....amazing grace."
~Beth Nielsen Chapman

It's Been One Year Today

Dear Mom,

One year ago, today, you passed away. It was tragic and sudden. Nobody had time to prepare or say goodbye. The people who loved you and cared about you have been grieving and hurting for the past 365 days, 52 weeks, and 12 months. For me, sometimes the pain is so immense that I just want to crawl under the covers and never get out of bed. I want to turn the clock back to one year ago today and tell you to get in that car and to stay home. I want you back and I know that will not happen. I know it is selfish of me to want this because you are in Heaven with Him and not here suffering, but I still am. I have to face each day with out you and it hurts so much. But, my one saving thought, is that I know I will see you again someday.

Yesterday, the pain was re-lived and the feelings all came back. All of the family got together and gathered at your grave site. We brought beautiful flowers and everyone took their turns reminiscing about their favorite memories of you and what we missed. It was a gorgeous fall afternoon and I couldn't help but feel your spirit with us. After visiting at the cemetery, we all came back to my house and had dinner and drinks. It was a nice time. But it somehow was not quite right, with out you here. You were always the bedrock of this family, keeping the peace and the spirit.

Here are some of the pictures that were taken. I know you would have been so happy. One of your biggest wishes was that our family do more together, dinners, holidays, birthdays, that kind of thing. Well, mom, we did. In your memory and in your honor.

Today, in Wyoming, where the accident occurred, some of your friends from the hotel and some of the family are gathering in your honor as well. I couldn't bring myself to face that place again, so I hope you can forgive me for not being there. But I asked Randy to make sure that your friends in Lyman knew how much we appreciated them doing this and for remebering you in such a good way.

Words cannot express how much you are missed. I will never forget the mother that raised me, taught me to love, to forgive, to laugh, how to work hard and how to be independant. I only hope that I can be half the mother you were with my own children.

Love you always and forever

~Janda

Visiting Grandma Debbie...

Today, we visited Grandma's grave. I took Jade, Ashley and Megan with me. We bought some pretty purple flowers. The girls told Grandma Debbie how much they loved her and missed her. It was really sweet.

Here are some of the pictures I took of the girls. Jade had never been to visit Grandma's Debbie before, so it was kind of sweet to see her visit with Grandma Debbie and tell her how much she loved her. Even though she wasn't Jade's grandma in the true meaning of the word, my mom was just like a grandma to her. All of the kids who knew my mom, loved her and cherished her.

Ashley told me at point that she could hear Grandma's spirit talking to her. She said Grandma Debbie told her she loved her. This was really touching and made me tear up.

It's almost been a year since I lost my mom, and it's been a really hard year with out her. I can't believe that it's already been that long. I can't help but think if she were still here what we could be doing together: she could be helping me with my yard work (she loved it), helping the girls with their homework, playing Barbie's with the girls, babystting for me... being here and part of our lives. Even though she is not physically here, I know she up there in Heaven watching over us and smiling down on us.

Love you mom!

Full Circle

I received the following poem and picture from a friend. Someone, who like me, lost her Dad quite suddenly and tragically. She always seems to find the most heart-warming poems and photos. Thanks Whitey. You are such a good friend to me. :)

I wanted to share both the wonderful words and the picture.
It has almost been a year since my mom died. It has been a really tough year. It's been a really tragic year. I lost not only my mom, my grandma, but nearly lost someone else who means the world to me. You know who you are if you reading this, and I won't elaborate too much. I love you so much, please please please know that. I can't begin to know how much you are hurting. The road you have traveled has been rocky and tough. I know how much losing mom and grandma hurts, I feel it every minute of every day, but please know we are here for you and that you are not alone in this.

Love always, Janda

FULL CIRCLE

You walked through my world;

In this dance we call life,

Dancing with me in joy,

Dancing with me in strife.

You gave me the song,

And gave me the chance;

To learn about love,

When you taught me to dance.

It was not just the music,

Nor the steps that we made;

But is now in sweet memories,

That never will fade.

For love was your music,

And life was your song;

You taught me the dance,

And how to be strong.

You showed me what love was,

Even in your goodbye;

Now we've come full circle,

In this dance we call life.

So, dance with the angels,

And may you find rest;

Your song's in my heart,

And my life, fully blessed.

Oh, how it still hurts

This past week has been hard. Harder than I thought it'd be. I thought Mother's Day or her birthday would have been worse, but the 4th has been the worst for me. Anyone who knew my mom, knew that next to Christmas and Thanksgiving, the 4th of July was my mom's favorite holiday.

Pam, my aunt (my mom's sister) called me up the other day to tell me how out of sorts she felt without my mom at her annual 4th of July excursion to Granite High to watch the fireworks. In a previous post, I wrote how that was they both spent last year's 4th, and how odd it felt to think that just one measly year ago, she was still alive and with me.

Tonight, I was digging thru some boxes in our cluttered, unpacked and unfinished basement for a highlighter, and came across my mom's "box". It's the box of paper work, bills, insurance letters, pictures, funeral documents, etc... and an overwhelming feeling of grief, sadness and disbelief came over me. I find this feeling happening less and less as time goes on, but all the same, still happening. Unless you have ever lost someone close to you, you cannot imagine the feelings you go through. One day, you are doing alright, the next day, you really miss that person, but are still functioning reasonably well, the next day, or week, you are totally knocked out. The grief and dis-belief just knock the wind right out of you. The schock comes out of nowhere and POW, you are down.

Sometimes, I wonder, do the pain and sadness ever really go away? Do they really leave? Or just bury themselves so deep only to fester and explode later? I think I belive the latter of the two.

I don't know why I am rambling on and on, but it's one of those nights, I just need to talk and vent. Get things off my chest and feel a slight weight lifted. Nine long lonely months later, I still hurt and ache and cry and feel like she is not really gone, but only on a long vacation and she forgot to call. I still want more than anything to just pick up the phone and shoot the breeze with her.

I look at my eldest daughter, Ashley, and see my mom. They look a lot alike, when my mom was young. Cute, defiant, sassy and so full of life. This was the woman who gave birth to me, raised me, taught me to be proud and to work hard. I find so much of her in Ashley that it amazes me, just wish she could still be here to see how beautiful her grand-daughters are becoming.

The other night, my mother in law called and talked to the girls for a bit. After hanging up, Megan, our three year old, asked if she could call and talk to Grandma Debbie on the phone. Megan knows that Grandma is in Heaven and that she passed away, but does not understand the concept of death, as most kids don't. She just didn't understand why she could not talk to Grandma. It took me a bit to try and explain to her the whole thing again and it just breaks my heart. My girls loved and still love their Grandma so much. Sometimes, I just get so angry at God for taking her, especially when we still needed her here. But then, I have to think that she is truly better off where she is. That she is with God and Jesus know and does not have to hurt anymore.

Mom, I love you so much, and I cherished the time we did have you here; I am still hurting and angry that I lost you too soon. You are missed so much. I hope you know how much I loved you, how much we all loved you. Please mend my broken and aching heart and soul. I cannot put into words how much it hurts to not have you here anymore. I love you always and forever.

I guess I am done rambling for the time being. I am sure I will have more random rambling soon.

Happy 4th Mom!!

Today is the 4th of July. I am really struggling today. This is one of my mom's favorite holidays.

Pam, my aunt, was telling my sister and I about the 4th they celebrated together last year. It seems odd to think that a year ago, she was still alive. And it hurts so much. My eyes sting and burn just to think of it. Anyhow, Pam was saying that last year they had gone to fireworks at a park (can't recall where), but how much fun Mom had. The music they played along with the fireworks were some of her favorite songs. They played some Neil Diamond which my mom loved.

So to honor my mom this 4th of July, I want to wish everyone a happy 4th of July.

Pain

I wrote this poem tonight. I have been wanting to write something for my mom for a long time and finally did. I still have days that I don't believe the car accident happened, that she wasn't killed. I still expect to wake up and have her be here and everything back to normal.

My girls tell me daily how much they miss their Grandma. I think that is the hardest part. I did get to have my mom for 30 or so wonderful years. They didn't even get 10. I look around the house and see so much that my mom has either given them, or inpsired me. It is so sad that they are not going to know their "Grandma Debbie" the way I did. I will be sure that that they know what a wonderful, giving, loving and feisty woman she was.

Her memory will live on in my hearts and theirs.

The pain of losing you is surreal
I look around and think I should be able to feel
Your warmth, your laugh, your hug so strong
But I don’t, they are all gone

Not having you here has been hell
I never knew how much the pain could burn and swell
One day I think I am fine and on the mend
And the next day my tears don’t seem to end

Remembering your laugh, your smile and your heart
Have been part of what is healing my soul, the broken up part
I have been so lost without my mom
I look at the world around me and still can’t believe you are gone

People keep on living
The world keeps on turning
The birds fly, little babies cry
The world just continues on as if you never died

Without you the world is a lonely place for me and I grieve
Without the unconditional love only a mother can give
I feel a part of my heart and soul have been taken away
The only part of me that is left is healing little; day by day

I never thought you would die
I never thought I wouldn’t get to say good-bye
I hope you knew how much I loved you
I hope you know how much your grand-daughters miss you too

I know you are in a better place
You are with Jesus and are safe
You don’t hurt, you don’t cry
You don’t have to deal with the daily grind

You are at peace finally
And I miss you more every day, truly
The pain in my soul will never cease
Will never be fully released

But I know that someday soon
We are going to be together again
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you and hate that you are gone
But I know you and healed and are no longer alone

Mommy, I miss you so much and most nights can’t sleep
Please bless over your lost sheep
Keep us in your heart and close to you
So someday soon, we can come home too

~ The Untitled Poem ~

A friend of mine emailed me this poem. It says a lot about how I feel about life in general. I thought I would post in on the blog for everyone to read and share. Thanks Whitey for sending it to me. :)

Untitled Poem

I have seen a mother at a crib - so I know what love is;

I have looked into the eyes of a child - so I know what faith is;

I have seen a rainbow - So I know what beauty is;

I have felt the pounding of the sea - so I know what power is;

I have planted a tree - so I know what hope is;

I have heard a wild bird sing - so I know what freedom is;

I have seen a chrysalis burst into life - so I know what mystery is;

I have lost a friend - so I know what sorrow is;

I have seen a star-decked sky - so I know what infinity is;

I have seen and felt all these things - so I know what life is.

~ Anonymous

Debra Denise Godfrey and Betty Louise Quigley

Megan and Ashley with their pinwheels at Grandma's gravesite

Rest in Peace

Well, it's officially in, the headstone made its way to the grave this weekend. Just in time for Memorial Day. After almost being put on the wrong grave and missing in action for a week or two...

The girls and I took some flowers and a pinwheel to the grave today. My mom loved pinwheels.

The stone is beautiful. Crystal - if you are reading this, you did a really good job with it. Thanks sis! My mom also loved the color pink, we thought a pretty pink stone would do the job.

The inscriptions also look really good. We wanted to be sure that even though Grandma didn't get buried, that she had a final resting place and somewhere to be was remembered as well. And we thought since these two wonderful and feisty ladies were inseperable and always together in life, that it only seemed fitting in the afterlife.

It seems like only yesterday that we lost Mom and Grandma. But it feels like an eternity has already passed. I called my aunt Pam to let her know it had finally arrived, and she said it best, "now they can finallly rest." And I think I can too.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today would have been my mom's 52nd birthday. It is still surreal to me that she is gone. Last year on this day, I would have called her up and told her Happy Birthday. I would have gotten her some kind of cute gift and home made card.

Instead, this year, I took flowers to her grave with my sister and brother in-law and my kids. And there is no grave marker, just this sad little orange cone.

It has become my daily ritual to drive past the cemetary to see if the grave marker is there yet. They told it was going to be sometime this week. Crystal and I were joking the other day, that Mom is up in heaven laughing over this. She probably laughed so hard she either farted or snorted. That was her trade mark. She'd be saying to my grandma, "Look, Mom. My grave marker is an orange cone." Even in death, mom would have found the funny side of something.

Well, I know I am posting some of the same pictures of her over and over again. But for the time being, they are all I have scanned in the computer. We are in the process of moving to a new home and most of my stuff is packed up.

So, here is a photo taken a few years ago at my cousin Amber's wedding. It is a really good one of her. She loooked happy, healthy and really cute.

Mom, where ever you are tonight, I wish you a happy 52nd birthday. I love you and miss you more than I can begin to say.

The Temporary Grave Marker ~

So, this is NOT the official grave marker, but it's a start. I was telling a friend of mine about what I saw at the cemetary this past weekend. We chuckled about it. My mom's grave marker, I told her, consists of spray paint and an orange traffic cone.

We have been told by the funeral home that once the cemetary has marked out the grave, that the real thing is not far off.

So, it is coming.

I will keep the blog updated.

My new favorite song

I have the song "Storm" by Lifehouse on my family blog and I really listened to the words tonight for the first time. They speak volumes as to how I am feeling these days. I will add the song to Mom's playlist soon.

Storm by Lifehouse

how long have I been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you everything will be alright
if I'd see you the storminess will turn to light a
nd I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under
and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you everything will be alright
if I see you the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and I will walk on water you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright everything's alright

I love you Kassie Jo...

When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure.

So I got a special treat tonight, Kassie Jo, my beloved sweet precious cousin (who is more of a sister that a cousin) suprised me, but first a little back ground.

Kassie and Jesse got married in October of 2007. My mom was not able to make the wedding and had left a voicemail for her on my aunt Pam's boyfriend's phone. She more or less just said she was really sorry she couldn't come because of some family drama that was on - going and that she would get Kassie and Jesse a wedding gift on her next pay check. Well, that never happened. Mom, never got to get them that gift or get her next paychek.

I don't know the exact date that this message was left, but it was it was not too long before the car accident that took my mom's life.

Well, I got to hear that message just a few minutes ago. Bless Kassie Jo's heart, and now I am a bawling again, but in a good way. I just wanted to hear her voice again. It is so unfair, I feel like I can just pick up the phone and call her up, just like I always did. She sounded so alive and like old her cranky - sweet self in that message.

God, wherever that sweet lady is tonight, if you can tell her how much I still miss her, even 5 months later. I don't think the pain and heartache will ever go away. People say it gets better and easier with time, but I disagree. The more time goes on, the more I miss her and am mad that she is gone and not here with me. I know with my all my heart that she is in a better place but it does not take away from the heart-ache and pain I am suffering.

So, thanks again Kass. I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that life is short and treat every single precious moment of life, like it is, short and sweet.